Heart of the Matter
by Carol Lee
When we are getting to know someone new, we have to make some effort: meeting up with this new friend, chatting with them, getting to know them,... etc. But sometimes, the biggest challenge of getting to know someone (or rather, somewhere) new is that, by the time you realise it might not be what you think, you are already committed to the "new relationship"!
And this is the same with migration. As everyone of us had already made the crucial step of leaving Hong Kong and coming to the UK, we have to start anew. Once we arrived, it did not matter whether we had been star students of the best schools in Hong Kong, or well-established professionals. That is right: this is a brand new game, and we all have to find new ways to play - starting from a change of our hearts.
In theory, getting used to a new culture is not that difficult a task. But how to do it in practice? Maybe we can start with the things that are really worth doing, and then make a list of priorities. We may have many items on our lists, like having to change how we used to do things back home, or having to adapt to the working culture in the UK. It is also possible that, for some of us, we only have a few items on the list. Nonetheless, this is a cause for celebrations: as we face new challenges in life, we change. And when we change, this is the beginning of “hope”. The situation itself might not be a good thing in any sense: for example, a stubborn person’s personality might change for the better after a serious illness. And so, this unhealthy stage actually forced him to change and open his life up to new chances.
So let us not sit back and wait for the situation to get worse. We need to pay attention to contradictory or unhelpful ways in our thinking. For example, if we said that our English was poor so we preferred not to talk with other people in the community, how then could we encourage our children to be confident and to speak up and make friends at school? Or maybe some of us would dwell in a sense of failure for not being able to find a good job here in the UK, and got stuck in the vicious circle of negative thoughts.
Can we try to see these challenges in new ways? For example, maybe the current job is beyond my qualifications and skill level right now. But we are also meeting experts of the field and learning the way of how locals do things, and practising our English while earning a salary – what a joy! Or maybe we can see it in another way: we had been successful at our careers for so long that it might have led some of us to complacency. But now, as we encounter new obstacles, we have to rise to the challenge and sharpen our skills. In the long run, who could say that this would be a bad thing?
But the catch is, no one can change our ways of seeing things – except ourselves. And by changing our ways of seeing things, we are not only helping ourselves to adapt to change: we are helping our children too.
As an education professional, I was once asked by a British teacher why they had never met a certain Hong Kong student’s parents, and that whether it was some “cultural thing” so the parents would not show up at school, or if the parents were still “living in the past (Hong Kong)” so they would not join school events. The children can also tell the difference: if parents send them off to school at the school gate, give them hugs and kisses with a “have fun”, “miss you”, or “love you” as the daily goodbyes, and chat with fellow parents in English, the children will also learn to have fun, feel more relaxed about going to school, and will feel more willing to chat with fellow students in English.
On the contrary, if the children go to school after being reminded by parents to “learn to the teacher” and “study hard today”, of course school is not going to be a relaxing nor fun thing. The children may also feel torn between two cultures: the British school culture that emphasises growth from fun and learning, and the Hong Kong school culture that stresses obedience, discipline and good academic results.
So, if you are a parent, raise up and be an example for your children. Encourage your children to explore and have fun at school, come to school events, get to know the teachers and the fellow parents. As we keep this up and show the children that we, the adults, are navigating this new world unafraid, children will know that this new world is not that scary after all – for their parents are with them all the way, exploring the new cultures together. Our “acts of courage” will in turn be an encouragement for our children to reach outside their comfort zone on their own. And sometimes, some of our children’s emotional needs in adapting to a new culture can actually be fulfilled or resolved just by having parents walk with them and walk ahead of them to show the way.
This increased parental participation in our children’s school life will not only benefit the children. It will also help us to make new friends, enlarge our social circles and practise communicating with the Brits. Children’s school runs, taking part in the school’s coffee mornings, cake sales, tea parties, fun fairs, volunteering to help at the school, etc… there are many different ways to become part of your children’s school life indeed! We can also share some of our life experiences (like our current and/or former professions, our cultural backgrounds) with the teachers. As British teachers sometimes invite parents to share with the class about what they do, as a parent you might also be invited to share about your job and your culture at the class. So don’t miss the chance to learn and to interact with the school (and your children’s schoolmates)! This can also help your children’s schoolmates to have a better understanding of where your children come from, and the cultural differences that your children are navigating at school.
Now that we are all at a brand new stage of our life. We pray that you will find hope in all these newness – and have a new way of thinking that will help you and your family to brave the changes!
